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Dying Thoughts

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It began Tuesday in the middle of the night,
OK, so technically Wednesday. I woke up
with a fire in my throat and extinguished it
with honey lemon Halls, hot chamomile tea,
even a little gurgling of salt water.
All to no avail.
Doctor on Wednesday,
Painful hot fire and deep chills,
she gave me an antibiotic.

Anticipation.

Fire in throat diminished but cough replaced it.
Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. (infinity and beyond)
Days pass. Six long ones. Way longer than normal.
Called Doctor and cried, “please fix this!”
“Stop the antibiotic and here’s three more meds.
They may make you drowsy.”
OK, I can handle drowsy..,

Anticipation.

Cough diminishes, but nausea replaced it.
Enormous amounts of nausea.
The room spins like waves.
Every time I stand up I gag.
I will take the cough back please.
Just take this nausea.

I feel like I’m dying. No really.
I think, “If I were to die today…”
I think of my husband and boys,
Raymond, David and Kevin.
My family, friends and the library,
my church and my job,
and strong coffee and the classics,
Seattle’s Best Level 4,
and To Kill A Mockingbird,
and body pump class on Tuesdays.
I was just starting to rediscover
My bicep
Muscles, hidden for years.
And the glistening snow just outside.
And I hope that all the people I love
At least know that I do.

And that’s where I am now.
Right this second.
Bed ridden. No relief (yet).
Thinking about what
matters in life,
all the while spinning in
nauseating circles.

To be continued (hopefully).


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